He wants me because he knows I don’t need him.
Letter to his girlfriend,
Whassup Ma, how you? I know you must have a lot of questions for me. And though I’m an asshole, I’m going to try to answer some- truthfully. Your man, yes he knows me. He’s someone I used to know. When he went from lovely to a liability, he had to go. But before that took place? Well, a lot took place. Nights at my place, mornings over his face. Okay, maybe that was a little over the top. If this becomes to much to read, I implore you to stop.
I met him at a cool little diner. Sweats and a tee, he was feeling me. I noticed three phones. He said he lived alone. Older. Two houses. No kids. No girl. Thought he’d be grown. I paid my tab and told him not to let my number collect dust. And that’s how it started– this thing between us. I can’t front, he tried to knock me. Got restless when he found it wasn’t easy to top me. Me, however I had other plans. He’d soon become my boo– I wasn’t really planning on making him my man.
See, I knew from the gate he was lying to me. Its the ones that act too cool that have property in the hills, including a family. So I gave him a chance to come clean. I patiently read between the lines- wanting him to fill the space inbetween. And when he didn’t I was straight up disgusted. Primary reason why men are not to be trusted.
“Can I ask you a question?” I said as I got dressed for a night with my girls.
“Go ahead…” I’m sure he wasn’t ready for me to shake his world.
As I asked about the details he forgot to provide. I would have paid to see the shocked look in his eyes. Seconds of silence passed before he came clean. I brushed it off with a “Ha. What a shame…” and preceeded to hit the scene. At the time I knew nothing about his status, to me it didn’t matter. I just knew when he and I hit a spot, he knew who was badder. So imagine when he flooded the club, entourage in-tact. Rolled up on ya girl so matter of fact.
“Don’t make me fuck you up.”
“You got an attitude?”
Looked under his arms, “Damn, where’s wifey?”
Smirking, I danced away. He just lost his homecourt advantage– my turn to play. I owned his eyes all night and I left by myself. If I’m fucking with you, I’m keeping it real. I don’t lay threats for my health! When I decided to deal with the knowledge of you, there were some rules to the game. Like, you better not ever call me, approach me nor mention my name. I’m sure in my position, you too would feel the same. At the end of the day, you only have him to blame.
But I messed up. I admit, I did. I played him too close and actually fell for the kid. Now you know who I am and questions are flying. I don’t owe you shit, that’s him who’s lying. When I ask my girls, they’re going to boost my ego. They have 21 reasons why he can’t let me go.
“You’re everything she’s not.”
“She’s everything I aint. With me, I’m a go getta. But, he goes home to a saint.”
With you the house is kept. The food is prepared. With me, I don’t need dough or a ride, on my own, I’ll get there. With you, y’all are “we”. On my side, here or not, it’s just me. Fucking with me, he’s strictly an accessory. You lean on him though, he’s your necessity.
So now when he tells me about the stress, I have no words to make him feel better. The hell should I say, y’all chose to stay together! You can be mad at me, that is cool too. But if it were someone else, ma, he’d still do it to you. I’m thinking you should be happy I don’t want him, though he was almost mine. I tell you now like I did before, I give him back everytime. When I was in it to win it, I went hard in the paint.
“Your girl’s still talking? Do she know that we aint?”
He may always have love for me, but it’d never make it right. I could never trust him exclusively after sharing his nights.
I speak to you today, hoping you’ll get the hint. All we have is what we had, and now your man is past-tense.